In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been a week sine my last confession. I dreamt of breaking chains and flying and I dreamt of her again. I pray so hard, father. Every night I pray so hard and she’s still in my thoughts.
Love may be the main pillar of our faith, but it can’t be of my life, father. Not that kind of love. I must not give into that sweet temptation because Satan is in there, father, waiting for me to give in, waiting to tempt me, just like it tempt my mother.
She was a novice, father. She had promised to give her life, love and devotion to God Our Lord… but she fell. She said it was love, but she gave into her lust and she… she got tainted, letting a man touch her… have his ways with her… she let him even though they weren’t married, believing his promises of love!
You see, father… humans do not love. They can’t love. We can’t. There’s too much pain and too much betrayal in our hearts to do so. The only love we can try to achieve is the love of our merciful God, who is always kind and good… my mother understood this a little too late. Not until the one that had gotten her pregnant had disappeared.
My mother had me, of course, even if her family had turned her back to her. In the bittersweet faith, she couldn’t find it inside her to have an abortion and she became a whore. She used to tell me to close my eyes, cover my ears and pray in silence. I still heard them, but I clung tightly to my crucifix and I’d try to repeat the prayers my mother had taught me, ignoring the way men groaned.
My mother didn’t love me. I do believe she didn’t hate me, but she didn’t love me for she knew I was a child born of sin. From the moment I learned to talk, she taught me to pray and if I’ve ever in my weakness cursed her name I’ll apologize for that simple act of maternal love.
She knew that she probably wasn’t going to be able to protect my body for long but she could save her daughter’s soul. In the words of God I found solace and I learned of faith.
Mother was killed when I was ten years old. One of her customers, I guess. I pray for God to forgive that man’s sins but… that’s when Nagisa-sensei found me and took me to the school, saying that I’d be part of the Zero project. (Well, actually, I learned this after a while. At first I couldn’t understand a word out of her.)
There, I learned about being a Sacrifice. To protect my Fighter, endure pain for him… and yet, Nagisa-sensei wanted to keep me and my fighter from feeling pain. Pain’s needed. Christ felt pain instead of us to redeem us and yet… yet the idea of being able to help someone… if even for a little while. Oh, father. The most sinful thoughts nested on me. I thought… oh father, I thought that I could become an angel or even more.
I don’t wish for love, father, for then it’d be lost. I want redemption. I want to stop being a sin. But I continue dreaming of her, father… and I’m afraid that if I do love her, I’m also going to fall.
I’m afraid that maybe I already do love her, and what would happen if she was to learn this. If I’d be tossed aside like my mother was.
And still… sometimes, I do find myself wondering… wanting…